Week 149: Alone.

I've felt pretty alone mostly all my life. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family. I'm better off than a lot of people in the world. However, when I find someone who I love, I don't feel alone any more. Now, I have that person that I love and I do feel alone. It's the lowest I've been in a long time and it takes so much effort to go on and fight through every single day without the fuel I was getting before. I used to look forward to the end of a day. Now I do not look forward to anything. My life routine is just a numb process that seems find pleasure in causing me pain. I've got nobody to talk to really, apart from phatic talk which adds negativity rather than positivity to my mindset. I feel lost and I've got no guide. I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with no guardian angel. If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have had that safety net, those arms to fall back in to. Now it's just emptiness and I just long for that void to be filled.

Dan.

 
After taking this photo. I looked at it and thought hard about it, in all honesty there was no meaning behind it when I took it. It was just really nice lighting and looked good aesthetically. The more I look at it the more I realise that it is a complete metaphor for the way I feel right now.

I actually feel like I'm along in a big forest, I feel like I'm lost. I've got nobody to guide me. I see a small pool of light, I haven't seen light like this in a long time so I decide to take a rest before I venture towards it. The one thing I do before I reach that light is something that has the potential to burn the entire forest down around me, for everything to come crashing down. However, after everything has crashed and burned... all I can see is light. There are no constrictions to my freedom, to my happiness.

Song listening to right now: Time - Pink Floyd

Week 148: Sorry.

Sorry, last week's post was a bit of a cop-out. It was 100% honest, I genuinely didn't know how to feel. However, I should have explained a bit more. I feel different this week, so I am going to move on. I'm feeling happy, happy that my carreer is going somewhere. I feel lucky to have people in my life that love me. The only problem is that these people are not in close proximity to me and it upsets me a little. I barely get time to see them and I barely get time to speak to them. I miss the little things in life that used to make me happy, they are not their any more. They are temporarily broken and I don't have the tools to fix them right now.

Thanks for reading.
Daniel.

I need certain things to be given back. No possessions or luxuries, just necessities and feelings; I hand these out to the right people in the right amounts. I just want those things to be fixed, I need them to be fixed, otherwise I will become crushed under the weight of sadness. The engorging yolk of being seriously ill with the lack of affection in my life. So I apologise for sadness, I have nobody to explain it to, nobody will hear my heart reach out for a friend. This is the lowest I have been in a long time, I'm drowning in the waters and I need somebody to throw me a rope.

Song listening to right now: Uncomfortably Slow - Newton Faulkner

Week 147: I don't.

I don't know how to feel right now.

D.

I'm not sure of the purpose of this image either.

Song listening to right now: I Need Something - Newton Faulkner

Week 146: Golden moments.

This is going to be a very open entry this week, no room for ambiguity. I've been thinking lately about what to label as "precious". Every moment I have with her is precious.

Dan.

I've messed up a lot of things in the past from being selfish. I won't let myself mess this up.

Song listening to right now: The Peter Gunn Theme - ELP