Monday, 18 June 2012
Week 151: True love.
I am not afraid to say that I have loved. I am not afraid to admit that I made mistakes, I'm a human, I'm not perfect. Except, being a human is no excuse because everyone else is too. I made mistakes that ruined the one thing that I sort my entire life for. I actually had the perfect, the most caring, down to earth, stunner of a human being. I was held in her heart, I used to make her smile and I used to make her feel proud to say she was my companion. She helped me through everything that went wrong in my life. If something was destroying me inside, she was the only one who could reconstruct myself esteem. She is literally one in a million. The thing is, yes, I did exactly the same for her. I treated her very well for a very long time. Then something went wrong. I started hating myself, getting upset with myself. I never felt anger towards her, I could never ever hurt another human being. It's myself, the person I became.
Okay, so the key word there was "became", past tense. When you lose something that you never thought you would lose. It changes your life. You realise that the reason you lost it was your own fault. You realise things shouldn't have turned out like that and you were a fool to let it. The absolute utter wave of shock that hits you makes you realise something. It made me realise that I can never let myself get to the point where I'm pushing the one person that matters to me, further and further away from me. That mindset, is gone. Completely erased. I am never letting myself get like that again. I am never going to get so angry at myself that I push my own hero away from me, because that's what she was; my motivation, my hero, the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and my own low self esteem chucked that all away.
More than anything, I still want her to be happy. That is what she deserves. She deserves to have that feeling of pure glee. The best feeling in the world is to know someone loves you and you love them back. However, it's the worst feeling in the world to know you love someone but they do not feel the same back. I turned into something I promised I'd never be, and I know that will never ever come back into my life. It's just not a possibility. I will go back to the Dan Wheeler that everyone knew and loved, the guy that treated his friends as friends and showed his dreams to the ones he loved. I will share whatever ambition and inspiration with the ones I love and it's theirs to keep. I will give them what they deserve, I will give them freedom and joy.
Beauty is a hard thing to find and it is the bravest thing to admit when you've found it as well. For example, you find treasure somewhere. You realise it is the most gracious, beautiful, elegant and mind-bending thing you have ever seen. You fall in love with it. All of a sudden you realise you don't want to shout from the rooftops what you've just found. You don't want to share it with everyone else. You want to keep it to yourself, so you get the entire share of it. It's all yours and it belongs to you. WRONG. You have to share it out, beauty is not meant to be kept for one person. It is meant to be shown and shared out amongst friends and family. If you love something enough you will let them be free. You will let them dance in the moonlighted happiness that was once friendship, trust, companionship and loyalty. She is beautiful and she will always be the person I look up to the most. I may have lost her, but I will never lose the memory and feeling of being truly, sincerely, divinely in love with someone who I deem a goddess amongst humans. I will never go back to the way I was, even if I never see her again. I'll always remember the lesson she taught me. The lesson of what love needs to be. People should be happy, do what they need to make themselves happy, apply that positive energy to the one they love and then just follow their own heart.
As I stand on the edge of everything, peering out at what was once beautiful, I do not worry about what went wrong but only what I can do that's right.
Song listening to right now: Coming Back To Life - Pink Floyd