Week 178: Last place.

If you keep running towards something that's actually worthwhile, whilst only focusing on your goal. Eventually you'll trip up, run out of breath or just collapse on route. You'll end up in final place and everyone will overtake you. This has happened to me throughout my life time when focusing on my ambitions. I've stayed up nights thinking about what I will become, and the questions that plague my thoughts are pretty much never ending. Do I take risks or do I just carry on with what I'm good at? Do I give up a substantial income for something that will provide me with a greater future? I've normally kept quiet about what I'm good at. I'm not a master of everything and I know that. Everyone has their talents in their own ways and I'm completely aware of this. I've been keeping my work covert until I'm actually ready to show off, until it's actually at a point where I'd be satisfied to risk my reputation.

This may sound like gibberish but if you think about it from a third person point of view it makes complete sense. Stand back from your aspirations for just 5 seconds. Tear your perspective away and view it from a distance. The connection between you and your goal is elasticated, sometimes it stretches  and the route becomes longer however sometimes it will ping back into place and you will be left stood right beside your goal. However, you never know when it could stretch away again.

So I've decided I'm prepared for the New Year. I'm prepared for the consequences of me taking this next step. I may have to hide my ambitions, put some stuff on a temporary hold and just focus all my energy on making something work. I will never forget my original goals. They stay true to me and I will sustain my journey towards them as I handle something different.

Dan.

There's only one way to go when you're feeling ambitious and that is towards what your instincts are telling you. Just keep going, if you trip then get back up again. If you collapse then just gather your thoughts, think, drink some water, take a breather, figure out what's the best tactic to carry on and do just that; carry on. 

Most things do happen for a reason. Not in a spiritual kind of way, but in a sequence of events kind of way. You just need to be aware of consequences and also be aware of your initial choices that caused the outcome. 

Last place isn't always bad! As long as you make it to your goal, then nobody else matters and it doesn't matter what place you came.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year too.

Song listening to right now: Subterranean Homesick Blue - Bob Dylan

Week 177: Christmas 2012.

This year I haven't really focused on Christmas. There has been so much going on. Tomorrow is my last day at my workplace in London and I'm a little bit nervous. I'm taking a big risk and a huge jump towards this commitment in the new year. I'll be back home in Reading with my family in a days time and I really can't express how much I miss them. I will announce in my next post what this new venture is, and if you are interested please keep reading.

D.

This is a slightly different portrait to a set I have posted before. It has a different feel to it yet it is the same subject matter. I'll try not to bore you with any symbolism but I do feel it is relevant to me moving on to something new. Looking back at the past so that I can head towards a different future. This picture means a lot to me and I was very close to just leaving it stuffed away in a corner somewhere. However, here it is.

Song listening to right now: Bricks and Mortar - Cancer Bats

Week 176: One extreme to the next.

This will be another short one, because I am pretty busy making some huge changes in my life at the moment. I'm about to make a jump from one career to the next. I know what is best for me, I'll see it through and have no regrets. The greatest emotion I have ever felt is the feeling of being in the right place at the right time and if I do not commit myself to this change then I will not know that feeling for a long time.

Dan.

This photo is about two and a half years old now. Time flies and it reminds me of having a laugh with some of my closest friends. I had a good three years at university when I look back at them. I learned a lot about myself. It was the biggest life lesson I've ever had and probably ever will. It was my commitment to my work that kept me in check. However, being in the right place and the right time at the end of it all, was the ultimate changing point. Things can go from one extreme to the next in a very short amount of time but if you are prepared for this to happen, then you can utilize it. 

Song listening to right now: Fever Dream - Bury Your Dead

Week 175: I will never.

I will never stop trying to help people who deserve it. No matter what it takes, I know where I have gone wrong in my past and where I have failed at realising who deserves to have happiness.

Dan.

You may not think there is much to this picture of New York, it's out of focus, it has terrible lighting and really bad composition. However, it reminds me of doing things for people who deserve it. There is a lot behind this that takes me back to a time where I would think outwards, constantly. There are certain people who entered my life in the past that I cannot forget.

Song listening to right now: A Toast To The Future Kids - Emarosa

Week 174: News.

So I've got some news. An opportunity has cropped up that could potentially change my life for the better. It's something to do with my career but I don't want to speak to soon. This week is just a filler whilst I think and whilst I make some decisions. You will find out more in the next few weeks.

D.

This is a photograph I found from an old shoot. I only found it this week and it made me sit and think about my choices and what to do next. It made me think about sharing my thoughts and also sharing my aspirations with others.

Song listening to right now: Another Sad Song - Lower Than Atlantis

Week 173: Changing.

So things are changing. Change is inevitable but it is also something that can be altered. I know it may sound stupid "you can change, change" but it is possible. For example you are sailing out at sea, you are going in the correct direction and suddenly the wind changes. Your course has now changed, therefore your destination has changed. You can alter them change of destination by amending the sails so that your course will return to what it was before and then your destination shall reset also.

If something in your life is changing and you don't want it to, you can't really do much about it apart from amend the situation so the change turns out to be positive instead of negative. So you actually alter the resulting effect of it.

Keep a good grip on the reins, because by my experience if you let go, you will get lost.

Daniel.

I went to go see Rob again. He tells me he has a job now, that he's starting to get happy again. He told me that he had a lot of qualifications back in the day. He just got into a routine of not wanting to do anything with them. He also tells me that I am the closest thing he's had to a friend in a long time.

That really effected me. It made me feel something I have not felt in a long time. I don't want to say it made me feel "appreciated" because I get that feeling a lot, there are a few people out there that really appreciate me. This was different, it was almost as though I had changed someone's life a little bit. Giving someone the time of day, some lunch and money for a haircut actually changed someone's life. It restored Rob's faith in humanity and has given him the positivity and motivation to pick himself up. I am proud of myself, even if I do sound big headed, I think I deserve to sound like that. Just by a few small gestures of kindness I taught someone not to give up.

Song listening to right now: This is The Six - While She Sleeps

Week 172: Rewarding.

Sometimes being nice to people is rewarding. On my lunch break every other day I go down to Hackney Road Tesco to get some food. The man from last week's post is called Robert, he sits outside that Tesco asking for money. He is genuinely homeless and it isn't his fault. I always buy him lunch and this time I decided to give him a little bit of money to go to the barbers because he kept telling me how much he hates his beard and he constantly gets treated badly because of the appearance it gives him.

Dan.

Small gestures make people really happy some times. Some times being generous pays off and sometimes it doesn't. I suggest that you try it every now and again. Without any thought of reward, just give. 

Song listening to right now: Slip Sliding Away - Paul Simon

Week 171: Detrimental.

So if kindness kills, then what is the point with having good intentions in the first place? If your intentions are to forgive, to offer support, to apologise and to be a friend, yet all of these things get thrown back in your face, then why bother in the first place?

I tell myself all the time to be kind to everyone I meet, everyone I have a past with and everyone that I work with. I do my best to bridge gaps and I try my best to keep most people happy. However, I've found that this just tends to hinder any progress with showing that you're being geniune. Wishing people happiness is a hard thing to do, it takes a lot of courage and when that person does not accept those wishes then it seems like a big waste of time.

If I was to ignore someone and tell them to leave me alone, I'd probably get more gratitude. It's a stupid social concept that has seemed to grow in our society. The phrase "nice guys finish last" is now the basis of friendship. I will continue to be how I was brought up to be.

D.

You know when you give a homeless person money or food and they don't seem to appreciate it? Just sit and talk to them for a while. It shows you a true perspective on true colours. I'm compiling a book at the moment. Have a look at my website for more information.

Song listening to right now: Miss May I - Hey Mister

Week 170: Goals.

I find people with ambitions really attractive. This week I've been thinking about my closest friends a lot, and how much I enjoy being around them. I think I am drawn to them because they have goals and targets, they are passionate about their future and will do anything to reach it. I am less attracted to people who are set in a way of life and do not desire any sense of achievement. Even if you eventually do not reach your goal, it would still be more honourable to say you tried. If a man put all his money and effort into an idea, into his passion, into his ambition and then one day it all went wrong, meaning he lost everything; then I would still have much more respect for him than somebody who gave it all up for everyday routine. Even if prividing for your family is your goal, make sure you try your best to reach it. My father is one of my biggest inspirations, he worked hard so he could travel the world and get paid for it, he worked hard so I could have have a life with oppurtunity. I won't let his effort go to waste. Push yourself to your limits and do what you want to do, do something you are passionate about, carry on with something that you are good at even if it means going through a gruelling journey to get to your goal.

Dan.

This is Lenny. I don't know his real name, but he is always hanging out outside St. Leonard's Church in Shoreditch with his dog. Lenny has a long story, a really heart felt and interesting one. I won't dispense this upon you because it is going into my book and I don't want to spoil the suprise. Just bear in mind what I said in the paragraph above. The man is a true inspiration.

Song listening to right now: Disengage the Simulator - CKY

Week 169: Surrounding Space.

There are things I've walked past every day for the past seven months that don't seem to attract my attention any more. However, when I first started working in London I noticed them right away. Certain areas that seemed so alien to me, that now have become my own working and living environment. You know when you visit a place for the first time and then after constant exposure to it, it seems completely different to the first time you were there? I get that a lot with places in London. It's sobering and makes me feel as though I have "collected" these places and they are securely lodged in my subconscious. They are memories and they are also photographs.

I enjoy thinking about this but in a way it does make me sad. It makes me feel that I will never have that initial feeling again, it is not new to me anymore and therefore not as exciting. This can be said for a lot of things in life. On the positive side of things, I know it will always be there and I understand it well. I am used to it and I have this mutual understanding with the space. It helps me find my way because it is part of a journey that I know all too well. Consequently this is very comparable to certain people in my life.

Thanks.

Dan.

There's much of London I have left to explore, I am interested in the pretty places but I'm more obsessed with the gritty, formal and mediocre. It is something that most people don't notice. I search for it.

Song listening to right now: Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits

Week 168: Season.

I'll keep this short and sweet. I enjoy this time of year, everything looks amazing whether it is raining or sunny. I am happy with my life, even if a lot has changed. I myself have changed quite a lot, but that doesn't mean I dislike my old self. I am just happy with the new me. Smiling isn't so bad.

D.

Just taken on my way to work. East London is good looking sometimes. 
 

Song listening to right now: Heat Seeking Ghost of Sex - Dance Gavin Dance

Week 167: Mistakes II.

I'm feeling very similar to the week before. I think more people should admit to their mistakes, I find no embarrassment when admitting to mine. Let go of your pride.

Daniel.

"The man who never made a mistake never made anything"

Song listening to right now: Autumn's Monologue - From Autumn to Ashes

Week 166: Mistakes.

We've all made them. I've written things in this blog that I would like to take back, I have misjudged people for good and for bad. I'm not making any apology, I am just stating I know I was wrong about these concepts on relationship values. I was right in some ways and I was wrong in others but I won't go through and list them all to you now. Views change, sometimes they change quite frequently and other times they take a little while to transform. I believe that if you have realised that your opinion on a subject is changing than it has already subsequently changed. It is that point of realisation that makes you label it a mistake. Sometimes your view changes because the subject changes, this is different and is not at your fault, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and is therefore not classed as a mistake.

Anyway, people learn and move on from their anomalies. As human beings we have to learn to iron out the creases to survive. It's in our nature to forget and to act upon, our genes tell us that it is imperative to keep a level head when thinking about the past, so we do not become embarrassed or engulfed with a feeling of self-consciousness. Do you ever get that feeling where you think about your past (possibly something you regret) and you think to yourself "Why the hell did I bother?"? Do you ever get that feeling of self embarrassment that covers you with goose pimples? There is absolutely no need, because it is up there stored in your head for nobody else to peak at... but some people might remember it.

D.

I have a different purpose behind this image, I just think it's aesthetically relevent to my point. This is how I view those memories. They stick out like a sore thumb, they float around in the desolate greyness of my mind and all I am doing is waiting for myself to forget them. I am waiting for those balloons to burst and to cease floating.

Song listening to right now: Good Friends, Bad Habits - Owen

Week 165: Climbing.

I get thinking about certain things regarding which actions I decide to make. My trails of thought run parallel to the paths that I decide to physically take. Just the other day I was at Liverpool Street tube station. It's one of those underground stations that have the huge escalators. You know that feeling when you walk into a room looking for your keys, but you forget what you're doing and you're just stood there for about five minutes staring into space? Well, I had that feeling but I couldn't remember which change I had to make at Liverpool Street. I couldn't remember whether I was getting on the Central Line or the Hammersmith & City. So I was stood there at the bottom of this escalator wondering which way to go. Finally it hit me, I had to go up the enormous escalator that was looming dead ahead of me.

I stepped onto the escalator and stood to the right hand side (which you MUST abide by in London or the people on the left will mow you down as they ascend). So I was stood to the right hand side pretty idle, then for no reason what so ever my subconscious decided I should be climbing this moving staircase. I'm  normally quite cynical when it comes to walking up escalators as it kind of defeats the point unless I'm in an absolute rush. However, this time I wasn't in a rush at all, in fact I had plenty of time to kill. I couldn't explain it, I was climbing past people at a pretty steady rate and it was only about half way when I actually realised what I was doing. I wanted to climb up, whilst everyone who was stood still seemed to be stuck in a routine, just waiting, depending on something else to lift them to the top. I decided I wanted to climb to the top myself with just a little help from the thing they were solely depending on. This might sound like a load of nonsense and stop reading it if is boring you, but I honestly didn't realise any of this until I was almost at the top. Once I reached the top, I knew that the reason I climbed that escalator wasn't because I was in a rush, it was because I wanted to ascend past the dull life of waiting, sticking to routine, depending on a third party to get me to my goal. I wanted to make it to the top myself. Since this was all done subliminally and only realised at the end of my journey, I think that says a lot about my mindset in comparison to a lot of other people I know. It may sound arrogant, but I know a lot of people with the same mindset as me too. However, we all know people who rely on others to get where they want to be and we all know people who will stay in their daily routine waiting for someone else to lift them up. When in reality nobody can help them reach their goal apart from themselves.

Dan.

A few guys I know who have all been in pretty established bands and are now working together on various projects. I took this a while back. They will always be climbing the music industry ladder. 

Song listening to right now: Draining What Remains - Viatrophy

Week 164: If It Means A Lot To You.

First off, my parents mean a heck of a lot to me, both of them. They've helped me out so much over the years and have been there for me when I've needed them the most. They've been through everything with me and I have nothing but admiration for them.

At the moment I am realising what means the most to me. I've spoken words I've not spoken in years. I've felt my cheeks ache from hours of laughter and smiling. I've also appreciated things in the world that haven't even entered my mind before.

Pure happiness means the most to me right now and that is all I am receiving. Even when I go through something pretty rough, I have someone there. Of course I know I've always had my friends there for me through thick and thin, they have no idea how much enduring love I have for them. However, this time I have someone who goes out of their way to make me smile and I'd do the same no matter what. I haven't appreciated something this much in a long time, and I certainly haven't felt this appreciated in even longer.

Thank you, seriously thank you.

D.
 












I could say a lot about this picture, how I was feeling when I was taking it, my thought process, the reason I took it and how certain events have changed the meaning of it. There is a lot to it. It's not just a snap, there is so much behind it. However, I've kept it to myself and it will be years before I'm ready to explain it. Only a handful of people understand and only a handful of people will ever understand. It means a lot to me to know I can share such things with certain people.

Song listening to right now: Scene One: James Dean & Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping with Sirens

Week 163: A State of Utter Happiness.

I've been on the pursuit of happiness for a long time now. I spent a long time searching, wading through the thick waves of social life, wrestling with emotions and sparring with anxiety. Then suddenly one day I decided to stop. To just... stop.

It walked straight into my life. As soon as I stopped pursuing happiness, it decided to pursue me. Everything is going great for me, my career is going really well, I'm getting a great reputation around London, I'm finally back into the world of music and someone great has walked into my life. Someone caring, someone selfless and someone that has an extreme talent to make others in the vicinity smile. That person is a great friend and also a fantastic conversationist. I've never had conversations like this before. There are things brought up that mean a lot to me, I've opened up and spoken about things so honestly. I have always been honest with everyone I meet but now I have no reason to hide my past. It's just a truly natural feeling and I am happy. I've got a bright future ahead of me and because of this I am drowned in glee, engulfed with the feeling that things are going to go my way. I have some exciting plans for my future and I have an enduring amount of respect for everyone that has supported me and my plans. It's those intimate, close moments with friends that will stick by me and never leave my memory.

I'd really like to thank my friends, everyone that surrounds me has been so great to me. They've offered their homes, their time and they've created memories with me that will stay with me until the end. I have people that I can phone up at any hour if I need guidance or support. Those are my heroes.

"I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world"

Thanks for reading.
Daniel.

I think it's appropriate to post one of the photographs from the 9/11 memorial due to the date this post is being published. This was taken at the 10th Memorial in 2011. Families and close loved ones stick together through hard times (I am by no means comparing what I've been through to the disaster that took place in New York, it's just a photograph of mine that I think is symbolic of mutual emotions). It is the people that have stuck by you, since the day you met that you must stick with in times of dire need. To be happy, you must surround yourself with people who make you happy. It's fine to be sad with those people but when all the tears have been shed you can celebrate the good times with them. I'm happy that I have someone I can call up late at night and completely pour my heart out to. Thank you, you make me smile.

Song listening to right now: Dark Days - Parkway Drive

Week 162: No Respect.

The harsh truth that everyone is hiding from you. You're not doing any favours for yourself, you're losing friends and making enemies. People are laughing at you and people are talking about you. Don't shoot the messenger because I have not contributed to anything negative. People have lost all respect for you I'm afraid, but at least you're happy right? My advice to you is to just keep doing what makes you happy, but never lose sight of where you want to be. If you commit yourself to your dreams people will respect you. You have that in you, people still believe in you so hold on to your ambitions. You're slipping but don't let go.

A friend of mine posted a status on that infamous website stating: "You'll only lose something if you decide to let it go"

The first comment was from a person who I will name "Anon" and the second from Me. This is how the conversation of comments went...

Anon: I wish that were true :(

Me: That is True.

Anon: I didn't decided to go.. he did.

Me: Yeah and he lost you.

Anon: Yet I'm feeling loss and he isn't?

Me: Look at is like this; the one who decided to cling on is the one who shouldn't have been let go of. They are the one with the commitment and dedication to what they believe in. So therefore it's his loss. He might not realise it just yet, but he will. He lost something that was worth clinging on to.

Me: It's not only relevant to relationships. It is true with band members, employment, inspirations, dreams and ideas. Hold on to what you believe in, to what you are dedicated to and what you've committed yourself to. It's the people that cling on to these things that are worth anything. I don't know you very well, in fact I barely know you at all but you're a clinger, which will pay off in your future. Whereas people who give up on things will constantly be starting from scratch and will be taking one step forward and two steps back.

Anon: It wasn't a relationship anyway.. just.. a friendship, you think that'd mean something.

Me: A friendship is a relationship.

People who give up on real dedication and turn their life into a series of distractions, convenient pairing-up and meaningless encounters have no right to try and destroy someone else's life. They have no right to put down the people that are trying their hardest and clinging on to what they have always believed in.

Live your own life to the full for God's sake.

Some people may take this blog as an insult, and if you do, just stop for one second before you jump at my throat. At first glance you will want to fight with what I am saying, you will want to prove me wrong, but just wait. Think about your dreams and ambitions. Think about the people that said they would always be there to help you through the hard times and finally reach that goal. That is what I do, I stop, I think and I weigh out the advice with patience and couth. I think about my best friends, I think about the ones that will never give up on me, the ones that give me that strength, that fuel to carry on through all the hard times and help me endure the daggers that have been flung at my face to try and stop me from succeeding. I'm writing this entry with adrenaline rushing through my body and my blood pumping through my veins. My friends and my family are the ones that deserve a slice of cake at the end of my battles and I'll serve it to them.

Dan.



Never give up in what you believe in. Just don't do it. It doesn't matter what it is or what other people think of it. Just keep yourself commited to your beliefs.

Song listening to right now: New Noise - Refused

Week 161: Defend.

Some things are hard to do, they hurt. However, you know in your heart, deep down that it's the right thing to do. No matter how much pain it may cause you; you have to stand up for what you believe in. 

Dan.














The site of Massada has a lot of relevance to this...

"Well it is written in the art of war, to fight only the battles you can win. But I will defend your honour until they kick my face in."

Song listening to right now: 5 Different Bottles of Shampoo - The King Blues

Week 160: Meet. Repeat.

Last week I wrote about people coming back from my past and making me a happy guy. However, I forgot to mention the amount of new people I have encountered and how happy they make me. There are specific individuals that have become close to me. I appreciate them so much, the things they do for me, the late night phone calls, the little things they send to me to cheer me up. Some times you meet someone out of nowhere and within weeks they just naturally understand you. It's an amazing phenomenon that I rarely experience in my life. Everyone has their own connections between others and themselves. I understand that some people like to cut those connections and leave them dangling so that another connection can come along and tie themselves to that thread. But that's not how I work, I don't cut, I make new connections. I don't link anything up. Everything is separate. I don't look at my friends as a group, I appreciate them for the individual people they are. I have individual connections with them, that are unique to our friendships. The lines never cross. 

So this is a big thank you to the people I've met recently and all the people I've met before but only just got to know. My heart goes out to the one's that are entering my life and giving me the laughs that I need. These are the people that matter, the one's that just... understand.

D.

By no means does this mean I do not appreciate my old friends or anyone else. This is just a specific thank you to the beautiful people who enter my life.

Song listening to right now: I Tore You Apart In My Head - Balance and Composure

Week 159: Blast from the past.

So some people have been re-entering my life from my. People who know me very well and know how to make me smile. There is one person in particular who knows me better than most and I'd class her as a very good friend. We don't talk much, just the fleeting text every now and again but she knows how to cheer me up. We've had a lot of stuff in the past between us and we have a lot of history. We don't need to talk all the time or contact each other 24/7 we just know that we can count on each other to cheer us up when we need it. 

Dan.

This is not the girl I am referring to in my blog. However, she is also a very close friend of mine that I look up to quite a lot. I feel that if I only get a text every now and again from my friends I can still be content and happy because those short bursts of communication are normally full of things that make me smile. It's hard living so far away from your friends, but I will never become "out of sight, out of mind".

Song listening to right now: The Past Should Stay Dead - Emarosa

Week 158: Straight into the shining sun.

First off, I'd like to apologise for any sad, boring, emotional blog posts that I have made over the past couple of months. My life is great, I enjoy every waking minute, everything has direction and it completes me just to see a future for myself. I have some great traits about my personality and work ethic that I'm sure have been noticed within my career. I don't exploit myself to routine, to spending my earnings on going out and drinking until I can't remember the night. I don't go rushing into things. I have direction, I have a lot of skills that I can utilize to make things work for me and the people I care about. I have dedication and I have ambition. I know exactly what I am doing.

Some people take the easy route in life, they stick to stuff that is easy and convenient. When they are confused they latch on to things that are nearby and they have easy access to. They cling to these things only temporarily until they realise what is important and just have to let go. I will never do this, it's just not me and it's not in my nature. I will always strive to get the most out of life, no matter how much it challenges my soul. No dead ends, no laborious routines and certainly no time wasting on temporary fixes. I am right, and those people that are living their lives like that, know in their heart of hearts that I am right. 

Dan.

Exactly. I could not be happier with the way I live my life, I have always been this way and I will always stay this way. I've been made to realise this by a few individuals recently, and I can not thank them enough for this. I have a beautiful life, only surrounded by beautiful people.

Song listening to right now: Coming Back to Life - Pink Floyd

Week 157: Meeting.

People meet new people all the time, it happens all day every day. Every now and again you meet someone that really affects you. Someone that really seems to know you well before you even have a chance to get to know each other. It's a good feeling, friendship without history, because you know when that history builds up it can only get better. You get to know more about that person than you already do. The little things make you smile. Friends are probably my most favourite thing about life. I'm happy I've met some people recently, they've changed me for the better. They've been reliable. Yet, there are some friends that I've known a lot longer, that I thought I knew, when I completely didn't. There are some people that are meant to be there for you when you need them the most, that have said they would be there for you. I have been there for these people, I've stuck up for them when they are being unfairly treated. I have been there for late night phone calls when they were crying themselves to sleep at night. I have travelled a long way to see them just to put a smile on their face. I don't do this for anything in return apart from the knowledge that when I need them to be my friend, they will actually be there for me, just like they said they would.

Apart from that, I've met some great people recently. Some in particular know who they are if they are reading this. I know that when I am at my lowest point or need a friend, I can count on them. Even if it is just a phone call about silly things. It's the small things that count, it's the small things that make me laugh and fill me with joy. I just believe they deserve a big thank you for making my cheeks hurt and providing me with the fun I need. These feelings are natural. I've got a lot of time for you.

Thanks
Dan.




















You may think this is a pretty strange photograph to post but I feel it's a pretty relevant visual analogy.

Song listening to right now: Set Phasers to Stun - Taking Back Sunday

Week 156: Impulse.

Use your inner impulse. Go and do something out of the blue, be bloody spontaneous. The dogmatic view of most people's routine these days is "work, sleep, get drunk" in a few different arrangements. Don't fall into that. Don't be an idiot. Go and do something ridiculous, just follow your heart and be loyal to the path it tells you to lead. It's the only way to happiness.

Dan.

Just go out and do it. If you can find someone who will come with you, even better.

Song listening to right now: Body in a Box - City and Colour

Week 155: Companionship.

There is always someone you just know will stick by you and be a loyal friend no matter what. They will go through anything with you, whether it's heartbreak, love, war or the end of the world. They will be your companion and not let you down. However, when you are that person for someone else and the feeling is not mutual, then it can really tear you apart. Sometimes companionship and loyalty can hurt, so it's best not to put too much devotion into a friendship unless you are sure they will be there to catch you when you fall.

D.

"Friends come and go but for the precious few, you should hold on."

This was taken in Israel. It shows a couple of female soldiers, that are experiencing war together. They are going through it together as friends. I didn't get a chance to get to know them, but for some reason by their body language you could just tell that they were good friends, fighting for what they believe in, side by side.

Song listening to right now: Death of Me - City and Colour

Week 154: Faith.

From this week onwards I'm going to focus on putting my faith into me. I've put my faith into so much throughout my life, it's exhausting and hasn't got me anywhere. The only time I've actually got anywhere with anything it has been when I've concentrated all my faith and belief into what I can do and how I can effect my life. I have faith in my friends and those who support me, I always will, but I've ignored fueling myself for a while now. Friendships are confusing. You can know somebody your whole life and feel like they don't know you at all, then suddenly you could meet someone who just knows you from the get go. Just because they haven't been there as long as others doesn't mean they won't be there for a majority of the future. This is why I feel if I can just promote myself and work hard, dedicating myself to myself, I will become a lot more succesful. I will keep the faith with the people that come and go in my life but I just need to take a chunk and feed it to my own self esteem.

If you feel like you've given a lot more than you've received. If you feel like you've been a nice person and all you are getting is people saying horrid things to you. If you know that you've been a good friend, stood up for and given fully motivated support to people, yet you don't get anything in return then just stop and think. Don't give up doing all of that for other people, never give that up, it's who you are. Just think though, if you did all of that and also gave it all to yourself at the same time then you are more likely to just carry on when people let you down. Keep yourself motivated on your dreams, inspirations and final locations. Don't try and help someone else live their dream for them, don't help them when they fail on their dreams. That is their problem. It's good to be selfish when it comes to ambitions. It's even better to be selfish when you are on your way to reaching that goal. Help other people out when you can, but don't ever expect anything in return, because when all is said and done they never asked for you to be that loving, supportive and caring character. You gave and they took.

Thanks for reading this week.

Dan.

Do not get me wrong, this blog post is not a negative one. I'm not giving up on getting to know people or anything like that. I'm not giving up on supporting friends and meeting new people. I'm not giving up on true friendships and those people that really matter in life. I'm not like that and never will be. I've met some people recently that have genuinely changed my life for the better. They've got me through hard times and they know that I'd be there in a flash for them. This blog post is for those who refuse to do the same for me. This blog post is for all the people I've tried to help, put up with them being completely horrible to me. I'm not trying to be ambiguous or damning. I just feel it's appropriate to express my feelings through a passage of text and an image that suits the emotions at this point in time. This is what I've been doing for over three years now. I won't stop and I certainly won't apologise for never stopping. Thank you to those who have listened to me and those who have also opened up to me. Mutual feelings shared are mutual feelings gained. I've always believed that.


Song listening to right now: Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

Week 153: 1990.

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that was never supposed to let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken, and you'll break other's hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them and you'll forget that time is flying by. Life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs, no second chances. You just have to live your life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off. Speak out, be sincere and say it with conviciton... and never forget where you came from, because when you do; it's a long road home.

 I didn't know you, but I wish I did.

Song listening to right now: 1990 - Liferuiner

Week 152: Caught in the act.

Some people come and go in your life, it's something that is just planted in the way of things. People's paths interweave and sometimes get tangled. Eventually they either straighten out and run parallel with each other or they get so tangled up that the momentum builds up and they end up shooting in completely different directions. Either way, you've got to focus on the direction of your own path. Make it climb as high as possible, don't settle for a straight boring path. Push it up mountains, push it all the way to the moon. If you fuel your journey with lies, eventually you will get caught out. Once you're found out, you will be forced to make a U-turn and will end up going in completely the wrong direction. Just be honest with people and then they will trust you. I've just found out some news I did not want to accept, but I'm relieved that I know the truth now. My path is climbing mountains.

Daniel.

"It was going to leak eventually, so eventually it did."

Song listening to right now: Bloodmeat - Protest the Hero

Week 151: True love.

I am not afraid to say that I have loved. I am not afraid to admit that I made mistakes, I'm a human, I'm not perfect. Except, being a human is no excuse because everyone else is too. I made mistakes that ruined the one thing that I sort my entire life for. I actually had the perfect, the most caring, down to earth, stunner of a human being. I was held in her heart, I used to make her smile and I used to make her feel proud to say she was my companion. She helped me through everything that went wrong in my life. If something was destroying me inside, she was the only one who could reconstruct myself esteem. She is literally one in a million. The thing is, yes, I did exactly the same for her. I treated her very well for a very long time. Then something went wrong. I started hating myself, getting upset with myself. I never felt anger towards her, I could never ever hurt another human being. It's myself, the person I became.

Okay, so the key word there was "became", past tense. When you lose something that you never thought you would lose. It changes your life. You realise that the reason you lost it was your own fault. You realise things shouldn't have turned out like that and you were a fool to let it. The absolute utter wave of shock that hits you makes you realise something. It made me realise that I can never let myself get to the point where I'm pushing the one person that matters to me, further and further away from me. That mindset, is gone. Completely erased. I am never letting myself get like that again. I am never going to get so angry at myself that I push my own hero away from me, because that's what she was; my motivation, my hero, the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and my own low self esteem chucked that all away.

More than anything, I still want her to be happy. That is what she deserves. She deserves to have that feeling of pure glee. The best feeling in the world is to know someone loves you and you love them back. However, it's the worst feeling in the world to know you love someone but they do not feel the same back. I turned into something I promised I'd never be, and I know that will never ever come back into my life. It's just not a possibility. I will go back to the Dan Wheeler that everyone knew and loved, the guy that treated his friends as friends and showed his dreams to the ones he loved. I will share whatever ambition and inspiration with the ones I love and it's theirs to keep. I will give them what they deserve, I will give them freedom and joy.

Beauty is a hard thing to find and it is the bravest thing to admit when you've found it as well. For example, you find treasure somewhere. You realise it is the most gracious, beautiful, elegant and mind-bending thing you have ever seen. You fall in love with it. All of a sudden you realise you don't want to shout from the rooftops what you've just found. You don't want to share it with everyone else. You want to keep it to yourself, so you get the entire share of it. It's all yours and it belongs to you. WRONG. You have to share it out, beauty is not meant to be kept for one person. It is meant to be shown and shared out amongst friends and family. If you love something enough you will let them be free. You will let them dance in the moonlighted happiness that was once friendship, trust, companionship and loyalty. She is beautiful and she will always be the person I look up to the most. I may have lost her, but I will never lose the memory and feeling of being truly, sincerely, divinely in love with someone who I deem a goddess amongst humans. I will never go back to the way I was, even if I never see her again. I'll always remember the lesson she taught me. The lesson of what love needs to be. People should be happy, do what they need to make themselves happy, apply that positive energy to the one they love and then just follow their own heart.

Dan.



As I stand on the edge of everything, peering out at what was once beautiful, I do not worry about what went wrong but only what I can do that's right.

Song listening to right now: Coming Back To Life - Pink Floyd

Week 150: Effort is effort but emotion is devotion.

Companionship is perfect. True loyalty and heart is the way to live your life. Keep happy by keeping those who have done everything to make you happy close. Don't give up on what's true. Keep your love together, always follow your heart.

D.



A true sight of beauty. Care, affection and best friends in the truest sense of the phrase.

Song listening to right now: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

Week 149: Alone.

I've felt pretty alone mostly all my life. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family. I'm better off than a lot of people in the world. However, when I find someone who I love, I don't feel alone any more. Now, I have that person that I love and I do feel alone. It's the lowest I've been in a long time and it takes so much effort to go on and fight through every single day without the fuel I was getting before. I used to look forward to the end of a day. Now I do not look forward to anything. My life routine is just a numb process that seems find pleasure in causing me pain. I've got nobody to talk to really, apart from phatic talk which adds negativity rather than positivity to my mindset. I feel lost and I've got no guide. I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with no guardian angel. If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have had that safety net, those arms to fall back in to. Now it's just emptiness and I just long for that void to be filled.

Dan.

 
After taking this photo. I looked at it and thought hard about it, in all honesty there was no meaning behind it when I took it. It was just really nice lighting and looked good aesthetically. The more I look at it the more I realise that it is a complete metaphor for the way I feel right now.

I actually feel like I'm along in a big forest, I feel like I'm lost. I've got nobody to guide me. I see a small pool of light, I haven't seen light like this in a long time so I decide to take a rest before I venture towards it. The one thing I do before I reach that light is something that has the potential to burn the entire forest down around me, for everything to come crashing down. However, after everything has crashed and burned... all I can see is light. There are no constrictions to my freedom, to my happiness.

Song listening to right now: Time - Pink Floyd

Week 148: Sorry.

Sorry, last week's post was a bit of a cop-out. It was 100% honest, I genuinely didn't know how to feel. However, I should have explained a bit more. I feel different this week, so I am going to move on. I'm feeling happy, happy that my carreer is going somewhere. I feel lucky to have people in my life that love me. The only problem is that these people are not in close proximity to me and it upsets me a little. I barely get time to see them and I barely get time to speak to them. I miss the little things in life that used to make me happy, they are not their any more. They are temporarily broken and I don't have the tools to fix them right now.

Thanks for reading.
Daniel.

I need certain things to be given back. No possessions or luxuries, just necessities and feelings; I hand these out to the right people in the right amounts. I just want those things to be fixed, I need them to be fixed, otherwise I will become crushed under the weight of sadness. The engorging yolk of being seriously ill with the lack of affection in my life. So I apologise for sadness, I have nobody to explain it to, nobody will hear my heart reach out for a friend. This is the lowest I have been in a long time, I'm drowning in the waters and I need somebody to throw me a rope.

Song listening to right now: Uncomfortably Slow - Newton Faulkner