Week 153: 1990.

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that was never supposed to let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken, and you'll break other's hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them and you'll forget that time is flying by. Life comes with no guarantees, no time-outs, no second chances. You just have to live your life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off. Speak out, be sincere and say it with conviciton... and never forget where you came from, because when you do; it's a long road home.

 I didn't know you, but I wish I did.

Song listening to right now: 1990 - Liferuiner

Week 152: Caught in the act.

Some people come and go in your life, it's something that is just planted in the way of things. People's paths interweave and sometimes get tangled. Eventually they either straighten out and run parallel with each other or they get so tangled up that the momentum builds up and they end up shooting in completely different directions. Either way, you've got to focus on the direction of your own path. Make it climb as high as possible, don't settle for a straight boring path. Push it up mountains, push it all the way to the moon. If you fuel your journey with lies, eventually you will get caught out. Once you're found out, you will be forced to make a U-turn and will end up going in completely the wrong direction. Just be honest with people and then they will trust you. I've just found out some news I did not want to accept, but I'm relieved that I know the truth now. My path is climbing mountains.

Daniel.

"It was going to leak eventually, so eventually it did."

Song listening to right now: Bloodmeat - Protest the Hero

Week 151: True love.

I am not afraid to say that I have loved. I am not afraid to admit that I made mistakes, I'm a human, I'm not perfect. Except, being a human is no excuse because everyone else is too. I made mistakes that ruined the one thing that I sort my entire life for. I actually had the perfect, the most caring, down to earth, stunner of a human being. I was held in her heart, I used to make her smile and I used to make her feel proud to say she was my companion. She helped me through everything that went wrong in my life. If something was destroying me inside, she was the only one who could reconstruct myself esteem. She is literally one in a million. The thing is, yes, I did exactly the same for her. I treated her very well for a very long time. Then something went wrong. I started hating myself, getting upset with myself. I never felt anger towards her, I could never ever hurt another human being. It's myself, the person I became.

Okay, so the key word there was "became", past tense. When you lose something that you never thought you would lose. It changes your life. You realise that the reason you lost it was your own fault. You realise things shouldn't have turned out like that and you were a fool to let it. The absolute utter wave of shock that hits you makes you realise something. It made me realise that I can never let myself get to the point where I'm pushing the one person that matters to me, further and further away from me. That mindset, is gone. Completely erased. I am never letting myself get like that again. I am never going to get so angry at myself that I push my own hero away from me, because that's what she was; my motivation, my hero, the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and my own low self esteem chucked that all away.

More than anything, I still want her to be happy. That is what she deserves. She deserves to have that feeling of pure glee. The best feeling in the world is to know someone loves you and you love them back. However, it's the worst feeling in the world to know you love someone but they do not feel the same back. I turned into something I promised I'd never be, and I know that will never ever come back into my life. It's just not a possibility. I will go back to the Dan Wheeler that everyone knew and loved, the guy that treated his friends as friends and showed his dreams to the ones he loved. I will share whatever ambition and inspiration with the ones I love and it's theirs to keep. I will give them what they deserve, I will give them freedom and joy.

Beauty is a hard thing to find and it is the bravest thing to admit when you've found it as well. For example, you find treasure somewhere. You realise it is the most gracious, beautiful, elegant and mind-bending thing you have ever seen. You fall in love with it. All of a sudden you realise you don't want to shout from the rooftops what you've just found. You don't want to share it with everyone else. You want to keep it to yourself, so you get the entire share of it. It's all yours and it belongs to you. WRONG. You have to share it out, beauty is not meant to be kept for one person. It is meant to be shown and shared out amongst friends and family. If you love something enough you will let them be free. You will let them dance in the moonlighted happiness that was once friendship, trust, companionship and loyalty. She is beautiful and she will always be the person I look up to the most. I may have lost her, but I will never lose the memory and feeling of being truly, sincerely, divinely in love with someone who I deem a goddess amongst humans. I will never go back to the way I was, even if I never see her again. I'll always remember the lesson she taught me. The lesson of what love needs to be. People should be happy, do what they need to make themselves happy, apply that positive energy to the one they love and then just follow their own heart.

Dan.



As I stand on the edge of everything, peering out at what was once beautiful, I do not worry about what went wrong but only what I can do that's right.

Song listening to right now: Coming Back To Life - Pink Floyd

Week 150: Effort is effort but emotion is devotion.

Companionship is perfect. True loyalty and heart is the way to live your life. Keep happy by keeping those who have done everything to make you happy close. Don't give up on what's true. Keep your love together, always follow your heart.

D.



A true sight of beauty. Care, affection and best friends in the truest sense of the phrase.

Song listening to right now: Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

Week 149: Alone.

I've felt pretty alone mostly all my life. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have family. I'm better off than a lot of people in the world. However, when I find someone who I love, I don't feel alone any more. Now, I have that person that I love and I do feel alone. It's the lowest I've been in a long time and it takes so much effort to go on and fight through every single day without the fuel I was getting before. I used to look forward to the end of a day. Now I do not look forward to anything. My life routine is just a numb process that seems find pleasure in causing me pain. I've got nobody to talk to really, apart from phatic talk which adds negativity rather than positivity to my mindset. I feel lost and I've got no guide. I feel like I'm walking through a mine field with no guardian angel. If you had asked me a few months ago, I would have had that safety net, those arms to fall back in to. Now it's just emptiness and I just long for that void to be filled.

Dan.

 
After taking this photo. I looked at it and thought hard about it, in all honesty there was no meaning behind it when I took it. It was just really nice lighting and looked good aesthetically. The more I look at it the more I realise that it is a complete metaphor for the way I feel right now.

I actually feel like I'm along in a big forest, I feel like I'm lost. I've got nobody to guide me. I see a small pool of light, I haven't seen light like this in a long time so I decide to take a rest before I venture towards it. The one thing I do before I reach that light is something that has the potential to burn the entire forest down around me, for everything to come crashing down. However, after everything has crashed and burned... all I can see is light. There are no constrictions to my freedom, to my happiness.

Song listening to right now: Time - Pink Floyd

Week 148: Sorry.

Sorry, last week's post was a bit of a cop-out. It was 100% honest, I genuinely didn't know how to feel. However, I should have explained a bit more. I feel different this week, so I am going to move on. I'm feeling happy, happy that my carreer is going somewhere. I feel lucky to have people in my life that love me. The only problem is that these people are not in close proximity to me and it upsets me a little. I barely get time to see them and I barely get time to speak to them. I miss the little things in life that used to make me happy, they are not their any more. They are temporarily broken and I don't have the tools to fix them right now.

Thanks for reading.
Daniel.

I need certain things to be given back. No possessions or luxuries, just necessities and feelings; I hand these out to the right people in the right amounts. I just want those things to be fixed, I need them to be fixed, otherwise I will become crushed under the weight of sadness. The engorging yolk of being seriously ill with the lack of affection in my life. So I apologise for sadness, I have nobody to explain it to, nobody will hear my heart reach out for a friend. This is the lowest I have been in a long time, I'm drowning in the waters and I need somebody to throw me a rope.

Song listening to right now: Uncomfortably Slow - Newton Faulkner

Week 147: I don't.

I don't know how to feel right now.

D.

I'm not sure of the purpose of this image either.

Song listening to right now: I Need Something - Newton Faulkner